Someone isn't well :(

so I was up most the night with Kiara, she ad her MMR jab yesterday and weather its that, that has made her ill or if it has just triggered off something she was getting. So I've not been at college today, been to the doctors with madam, then doing a bit of cleaning in the house.

I've had two people knock on the door today asking if this house is rented or up for rent. then a business card with a note on the back asking a similar thing, that ones asking about if the house was up for rent was an Iranian family, first of all i hear people walking past then someone pokes there head through the letter box while someone is knocking on, then before i even got out of my chair they try the handle to come in the house, the cheek of some people, I got to the door they ask about if the house was up for rent and i was like know, but why did you try to come if ts fucking rude and they just scurried off, fucking Iranians.

So Kiara is in bed but still making a fuss, hopefully I can go to college tomorrow depending on how she is tonight.

Is it me of have lately people being seeing who there true friends are, my point was proven when I went out that night, also to who has the common decency to keep in contact. I've been sick of running around going to see/contact others if there not putting there effort in, its like some people moan about wanting to be "family" moan about other bits but since when have they even been to my house or to come see Kiara. its rude.

OMG... I'm Fat

Soo.... I end up going out on my own dragging an old frend once i got into town to pubs, meetingup with my bessi who got plastered, went to Rock City drank lots of shots which made me sick wondered off into the darkness to mcdees waited at tram stop, puked cause some women started peeling an orange got on tram got home sleep.

I've been feeling shit all week, I've noticed who my friends are.... Just Tian (and her bf) Everyone else is family.
I'm not attractive anymore, I went shopping on thursday in 3hours i couldnt find anything i liked or that fitted, then went to New Look where i found out my true FAT size 16. So now I've even more depressed than I was.
I cant wait until Sam gets his own place cause I'm sick of having him here, I pay for everything, £20 a fortnight isnt enough thats not even half the gas an electric that he uses, never mind the food.
today I get back to seeing his band gear on the sofa an he's fucked off out, is it too much to bastardly ask to put it in the conservatory out of harms way of our child, in fact I think I'll go back to saying My child. easpically when he knows he isnt gonig to be in all evening.
So I've chucked it all into the conservatory, locked the door and kept the key in.
Cause I'm sorry god knows who he's sleeping with and i don't wanna know if he has, cause fuck knows what he does with his day, he need to get independent and fuck off and look after himself, I'm sick of always thinking of others cause it never helps me.

Out tonight... looks like I'm on my own though....

So I'm off out tonight, but It seems I cant get any of my "Friends" to come. It's like I barely have anyfriends anymore. I've either lost them through being a mother or past relationship. Its like no one gives a shit anymore. None of this helps with my depression I feel I'm losing everything, and the feeling behind everything. I don't know who I am any more. I miss the old me, but I'm never going to get that back. I can't see myself being with anyone anymore either. I just see this Lovely Mother doing everything and anything for her daughter, giggling any having fun with her. But once she's in bed all I see is a lonely depressed women sitting on the sofa with nothing.

Seriously, apart from my Gorgeous Daughter, Whats the point in Life.....

It's just the way things are.....

My latest Facebook status:

Needs to love and feel comfortable with herself, before I'll love and be comfortable with anyone else.

 That is generally how I am feeling at the moment, I dont seem to feel comfortable with myself and my body, I've tried to do something about it, I eat healthy and it doesn't seem to make any difference. So I retire into this bubble of depression, only I don't show it much unless I'm at home. 

I feel unloved, lonely, overweight and more. I miss the old me, the thin one who could do anything and everything when she wanted, the attractive me. I dont see any part of me that is attractive, I hide behind this mask of being humours. When someone trys to make me smile it only last 5 seconds until I retire into my bubble. 

I see all these thin good looking girls and I'm jealous, for some reason I find it hard to find other men attractive to, its like I've lost my everything, I don't have many friends outside of college. I miss going out having fun. being that big flirty girl that loved herself.

 Now that I'm single I find it hard, but I also don't want anyone at the moment, unless there that fairy tale person who can make me happy, makes me feel attractive. someone rich :P now I'm pushing my luck.

 Kiara has grown up so quick, 1 years old now walking and talking. she's not herself at the moment seems to be upset quite a bit, I don't know if its because me and sam are no longer together, He did move out for a around2 weeks to his mums but then they were being arse holes and now his mum is in london. so I've got him back here. its since he's moved back kiara seems to be upset and clingy towards him. the week he wasn't here she was ill and cuddly me and her spent most the time on the sofa sleeping.

 I just want to be happy and loved and to move on but I just can not see it happening...... 

Hormones Making me upset :(

Last 4 days things seem to be a bit up and down, I'm trying my best to be a better person, trying to make up those long lost broken friendship. also I've been having dreams & Messages from the dead... wonderful. But once I express things or try to fix these things It gets worse or I'm suddenly the bad person, I've been told that the things I've been told are not messages there guilt. So much for family are always there to support me. I've been invited to go to Bonfire night which is a family tredition to have at my Nana & Granddads, but after me telling them a message from what I've been told to say which buuged the crap out of me that I finally blurted out after Lewis my little 2 yearold cousin saying Nana (shes past away last year) I finally said something, which I regreated as the words came out my mouth. So I dont feel comfortable going back there now as I feel I've upset everyone, not meaning to but when You've got something badgering you on like that in your head you just explode with it. Some people may not believe in all this phycic stuff, I'm a bit scaptical ( a tiny bit) but when I get dreams that people are going to die and they do a month - 3 months later, its a bit wierd and when I have other spirits telling me things, seeing and experiencing things moving etc around me, or other wise I'm just nutts and need to go to a home.


On the upside of all of this... KIARA Is 1 On 23rd! It has flew and I can't believe how fast this year has gone, Kiara is talking quiet a bit picking up words or points and saying what is it, So I'll tell her and she's attempts to or repeats it.
I've brought her birthday presents and she also has Christmas presents too, I wrapped all these up last night.
I think I'm more excited then she is about her birthday then she is, She's having two partys, one on her birthday,  plannig on having Tina & Harley, Michaela, Alice & Zak (maybe a bethany and if stuart comes) then also Sandra & Ethan.
Wednesday after Kiara's birthday we having Amy&Lily Frankie&Caitlyn (and i was hoping Sarah & Kacie, but she said she is at college now, although it is the hoildays).
Busy Busy busy, I want it to hurry up so i can get things ready the night before. Plus I cant wait to get my flooring down. cause I hate the state of the carpet.

Facts about me

The facts about me
My full name is: Miriam Hannah Jones
I was born on Friday 25th January 1991
I'm a Pagan
My star sign is Aquarius
My parents are Graham Jones & Rowena Bailey
I have 4 brothers, 2 sisters, 2 step sisters & 1 foster sister.
I am currently at Castle College (MMW)
The reason I like this course is because it keeps me active to do something productive with my life, gives me time to show that I can & like to draw. Also helps me study more into the computer media, wed & grapic design, etc.
The only this i would dislike about college is the fact I don't have Kiara with me, I miss her so much when shes at nursery, but I enjoy the break from her to study.
My home is in Nottingham and I have lived here all my life. (not in this house)
I have many friends, my Best Friend is Tian Jagger, I've known her for 6 years, we met in secondry school (Djanogoly). She is also the God-Mother of my daughter, I'd trust her with my life. we have so much in common, especially the way we deal with some things. We both have a good laugh when together, sometimes we are nutts and sing on the tram. We both enjoy shopping together and going out once a month for a drink or 5.
I love people who have a good humour, are outgoing and that can always find something to do even at the boringest times.
My favorite activities include Playing with Kiara, Drawing, Swimming, Shopping and reading.
My favorite colour is Black because its dark and mystrious. Second favorite colour is blood/ruby red simply for the name and the dark tone of the red.
the word that I apparently say alot is 'basically'
My favorite meal would be a salon dish and my favorite snack food is salad with dessing.
My favourite take away would have to be Chinese. Yum!
I consider myself to be healthy and fitness is very important to me.
Changes to my lifestyle I would like to make include exercise.
I am used to be very clean and orginized but since my daughter well its hard to keep things clean and i've become lazy in ther fact of keeping this spotless even though I do try to keep things reasonablly tidy.
I don't need to change anything about my life or lifestyle because I'm happy with how most things are going so smoothly.
The person who supports me the most is Sam and My Dad.
The best time of the day to me is the evening because its family time and we all have dinner have a play then bed :D
I like sunset) the most because its the end to a day. Although the sunrise reminds me that all new things come to life.
I need to have lots of cuddles and kiss from my baby girl every day.
I hope to hear Aliasaria live one day because I hear the music producing everyday. I'd like to go see Lamb of God and a good few other metal bands live.
I am frightened of losing my daughter.
The things that make me feel uneasy bridges with water going under. Also by people standing close to ledges that have heigh falls.
I don't like big spiders crawling towards me.

My favorite movie of all time is raiseyour voice/ far away & finding nemo.
My all-time role model is My Grandma because shes an amazing person with hobbies that are so interesting shes a great mother and grandmother and great grandma.
I would like to be like a teacher because I like to teach.


MY PAST
When I was little I remember that I went to loads of schools and moved house alot.
I felt happy most the time but the was big sad moments.
My childhood was generally messed up after i turned eight. but it seemed so perfect before that.
My family are crazy and this is because there nutters.
The good times I remember were bonfires at my Nan's, Waffles and Grandma & Grandpa's. Hot chocolates in the winter.
The hard times I can remember was when my dad moved out.
I found school to be Fun but difficult when the bullying, until I grow up in year 11.
The best teacher I ever had was Mrs Fowler because helped me out made me realise that I can do something with my life and to keep on trying. (as did other teachers)
The music I like to listen to is heavy or love/break songs because I can relate to it or hid in the sound.
I grew up thinking that life is a challenge and mind changing will happen alot.
I changed when I realised that bad things in life help me become who I am. my change of trend helped me become the different person I wanted to be and also helped me realise that I don't have to follow.
The first concert event I ever went to was Meat Loaf, I went with my Dad & Penny.
I found the experience of being in a large crowd to be loud so that I could sing my heart out as bad as I wanted.
The best holiday I ever had was camping when I went to devon with dad, penny and the family and we made wood tents in the woods went searching through the forest and went to the beach.
The best thing anyone has ever said to me is "Oh fuck it, will you marry me" & "wah! its a girl"
The worst thing anyone has ever said to me is "your a bad mother"
What no one has ever told me is _____ (I'll leave this blank until I find something)

The most fun I ever had was when in labour, Because I got my beautiful baby girl at the end.
In the past I have been hurt by many things mainly love.
My most successful day was when I gave birth.
I am proud that I had my baby girl.
I look back at my life and I feel that everything happens for a reason and its helped me become who I am.
The wisest thing anyone ever told me was think positive and positive things shell happen.
The highlight of my school years was year 11.
The greatest risk I ever took was when I had my baby girl.
The best result I ever got was when I found out I was pregnant and then when I heard her cry when she first came out.
The worst thing that ever happened to me was sexualy abuse.
The peak experience of my teen years was when I was 17 free to do what I wanted when I was living in my flat and going out partying. That was fun!


MY FUTURE
In my teens I hope to achieve qualifications
In my twenties I hope to achieve a decent well paid job and a house that feels like home and looks like one.
In my thirties I hope to achieve my own company of some sort.
In my forties I hope to achieve lots of moneys
When I am older I would like to be a teacher.
I would love to travel to denmark, and australia.
I would like to be married one day and have a dream wedding.
I think children are amazing to watch them grow and to love them is such an amazing feeling.
I think having a career is important.
The goals I have include get qualifications for decent job & get comfortable home to live and decorate it.
I am worried about ever losing my daughter.
I am confident that I can do good in my life and get a decent job to raise my family.


MY PRESENT
I love Kiara & Sam
I believe Happiness and Love is everything.
I am happy when spending time as a family (and having money)
I feel comfortable in my bed.
I need to keep thinking positive.
My dreams are to have a happy family, with a lovely warm home and a reasonable paid job.
It is important to have Love in Life
I am upset with my weight.
I am joyful about being a mother.
I am in love with Sam, cause he looks after me & Kiara and the house :D
I am concerned that i may get even fatter :0
I am sorry about being a hormoanly b*%&£ sometimes
I am interested in what life may become
I am thrilled by (____)
I would like to be the best mum and lover I can
I would like to have happiness for myself and family
My most secret desire is well that wouldn't be a desired secret if i told you.

Happy days, Lonely nights

So me and Sam are no longer together, he's moved out, I'm coping well with kiara, just once she's alseep at night it's so quiet and lonely, it's why i don't mid her waking up whilenim awake to remind me she's there and i'm not on my own. I need more company I think, I'm hopfully going out on Friday, Sam is goig to have her here as where he is (friends) isn't suitable for kiara to stop over. Which is a downer if I want friends to come stay over that night. But I'm not to fussed at the moment.
Kiara is now walking with her Disney princess car toy. She says no while shaking her head, but of course dad is still her favorite word.
I'm coping well enough with house work. It keeps me busy. Good thing is I can have friends over and them not feel uncomfortable with Sam here. Just gettig them to come. I miss having him here, but I should be okay.
He came over yesterday to see kiara and when she woke up and saw him she was soo happy.
He did piss me off though, cause he's been here this month I asked him to pay half towards the phone bill and he said he would, depending on money. well when he was here I asked him if he had it, and he said he didn't it was only £20 he said he had to pay for the practise room, his debt, and drivig lesson, but he'd been out Friday night and spent £20 on alcohol. And said he's only got £5 to his name and doesn't have money for food. It fucking pussed me off that he'd spent money on alcohol and not helped out, if hebsais he'd spent the money on food for him I'd benokay about it, argh men!!!!

So I seems it's over

So things haven't been good, it's been quiet the last few days and the last few weeks we've not been sharing a bed and when we went to last night I just didn't feel comfortable so I slept in kiaras bed again nothing feels right any more I've said this for a long while. So I have told him i'd like him to move out when he's got somewhere I believe he is going to his mums next week when she is back off hoilday.

No Meaning Or Future

Tired and it's all falling out of place again Was there ever a place anyway, sometimes I just get sick of tryig yet when the arguments happen it's my fault, had the implant in a week ago today and I dunno if it's me or it cause my moods are all over the place they were before tho. Suck of tryingto be loving towards Sam now cause I just get told "I'm to
Tired" well fuck you then. What ever happened to what I want. I'm depressed because I feel and lok fat the wieght is just piling it's way on. Barely any of My Clothes fit, my daughter hares me she just screeams and scream I try everything possible to see what is the matter and find myself crying with her because I no longer no what to do. Atleasr I don't have to worry to much about other family likenindisnlast week cause that didn't help things. I've lost the time I spent with my best fried, my freedom of being able to do what I want whenbi want, I'm tied down to this annoying routine of the same thing every day. I try to change things it's just it doesn't change and otrra don't tend to help, I've tried meeting with old friends who have let me down. Contacting the ones who seem distent and they just ignore me. I'm like come on what the fuck have I done for the whole world to hate me. I have thoughts of killing others and myself going through my head because I feel like giving up and that nothing has a meaning or future ahead. So what can I do

Eclectic witchcraft

Eclectic witchcraft

Ha was I kidding myself....

There for a moment, today gas been crap u was trying to dicide what I was going to do at college get myself sorted for me college won't answer phone so I went down there and no one was in. Appointment on Thursday. I popped into to the creshe it's small kiara wanted to play, good sign. The women said um better getting a fulltime course as childcare wont cover me after january if i don't. Sam also hasn't been at work for a week. Discided he's looking for a new one but won't go work untill he has another which has fucked me off. Means less fucking money. Kiaras not well and won't let Me get her to sleep wants daddy oh how loved I feel. Every course I try set mymind to some fucker says something about it costing to much or some stupid reason, so now I can't be arsed cause I'm going to end up how I never wanted. My mum, fat looking after kids and a dole sucking failuar. Oh and Sam doesn't wanna be loving otnhave sex so that's another thing to add to my I hate life cause nothig is going my way list, I give up on life don't see the point anymore. Aint getting to the gym anymore so no me time I can't seem to see anything happy now just going to cry

Things are looking ^up!

So after wanting to kick Sam out and haying life and making a fuss over nothing things are looking up so much, me and Sam have got things on track we are Both working towards our relationship Sam is being a bigger help with Kiar they are having there times together, we are doing family activities together like swimming, which Kiara loves.
Tian seems a lot happier, she has a new boyfriend she's getting mre work inso I don't get to see her much :( Im trying to keep texting her cause u wanna keep our friendship stronge. Think everyones life had to get worse before it could get better. I'm happy too, councilor said we are going to do 4 more sessions and probably end it as I seem happier. I think it's been more me and Sam working on it then counciling, Tian has helped so much I don't know what I'd do wi out her tbh. Love my little family so much. & Love my Best friend x <3 x

Nightout - nightmare

Went out last night spent mist the night with Tian and Martin(Tians workfriend) meet up with my brother Joshua uncle Martin and auntie Sharon had a few drinks in weatherspoon then it was for cocktails in Squares. My brother can be so embaressing lol he us so much like me. I didn't believe it. After Squares we pop to Pit cause I wanted to get cocktail from there and see Sam, then he got all arsey at me cause I mentioned my brother. I swear to go he needs to grow the fuck up. So because he was like that I sat in a corner with Tian and sMartin to see Sam leaning over Rozzie, which didnt look to good. So cause e was in a mood and it was fucking the night up me tian and martin went to tantra were the drinks cost a fucking bomb so I brought 1 and we shared it between us. Then fucked off to walkabout. Where me and Tian got to dance. We got martin smelly mates trying to dance with us there was only one of the that didn't try any thing even after martin telling the other two I have a Fiancee. Piss heads. So time got to near an end and I went to head to the Sal to look for Sam so we could all get a taxi home. Then got a phone call saying he's in a taxi with Jake and rozzie cause rozzie wasn't feeling to good. So we had 1 drink in Sal then onthe way to getting kebab someone said something about taking a parking ticket off a car and putting it on another car me being how pissed I was ran and did it apparently I then was kicking cars. After that all I remember is buying kebab eating kebab get in taxi get out taxi wait for Sam to get back which I don't understand he left before us and we had drink waited for kebab got taxi and the walking in between and he still wasn't back for 10 minutres then he was In an arsed off mood cause I said martin could stop so I came up to get a blanket for tian and me
And Sam end up aruging so tian took her and martin to hers. Just made me realise what a prick Sam really is and do I really want to be with him.

Angry breakdown upset

Fucking sick of men he mans in his facebook about another night on the sofa cause of Kiara when it's his choice and now she's aslepp he still chooses the sofa then wants £20 back for the nappies cause I pay for fucking everything now wants me to pay the virgin bill to can fyck off for all I care sick if t I'm sick of life don't know why I bother and even though I'm exorsted cause he's fucked me off I can't sleep he talks to other girls More than me. Now not sharing a bed this carries on it's going to go back to how
It used to be him going to girls houses next and then well I don't wanna say it. Feeling like an emotional breakdown.......

From good - tiring - bad

So on Friday me and kiara went to the local playgroup where she crawled and explored we met two girls and their girls. Kiara got to interact with them too then we all walked through asda as we have in common that the us one guy each we like to look at lol. Then came home to get some lunch met up with the girls again to go to another play group we got told about. When we got home we was knakard, then Sam turned up pissed out of his head which fucked me off as we have a daughter to look after and responsibilities. He just laughted, then wound me up later. Then Saturday me and kiara went town to walk tian to work then text Frankie and met up wi her as she needed nee swimming cozzy for her and baby then had lunch went swimming with them and amy, then chavs started on us due to them using family changing rooms got home then went back out for BBQ at Kyla's then back home and knakard. Sunday was a dull day of kiara screamng and me feelg shit went to playgroup with Frankie and Jordan then went teaco wi Tian went to see her Smother then bac home ate shitloads and now I feel like crap feel like giving up feel unlined and want to be huged and on top of that SAMs always talking to other girls more than me lovley

Texting

Basically I have been really bored last two days had lots if fun giggles with Tian we nth sitting next to each other texting each other and other people. Sam just wound me up as usual Kiara is a mardy bum ATM. And cause ts weekend I get free text so I've been doing nothing but text lots of fun when I'm catching up with people the odd bit of flrting, speaking of flirting I said to jake he's got a tight bum and Dam gave the most draggery eyes ever at me u wasn't flirting then lol it's just the shorts jake was wearing made it look tight and I felt he needed to know this. Currently sat in Kiaras rom texting Ben (Herdy) yay

Being the Big Sister/Mother ....

Me and Kiara went to Messy Play at sure start today, met a lady named Michelle and her daughter Hannah, both was sharing bits of info, ie labour and how the men don't listen when we say no to doing something with babies. LOL
This afternoon I popped to my brothers school to have a natter with a few of my old teachers and also it was parents evening, so I poped around to see how my brothers and sisters were doing, lovely to know I'm the sister and seeing how things are, but the parents aint there, I'm being mum for brother as well as my own daughter, I don't mind too much its nice to spend time with Ben.

Just Don't Know Anymore....

I don't know what I want anymore, or is it that I know what I want and don't know how to get it done, because I'm scared, scared of losing or being the bad person.
I feel unhappy, because what I want doesn't seem to be there like it used to, I'm just wanting a change and wanting things to be well maybe a bit fairy tale and how I've always dreamed.

Woke up trying to get Kiara up again, Fed her, waiting for Tian to get here as she said she would look after Kiara while I went into the gym.
When I got to the gym I went on the bike, then the wave machine, then rowing machine, the weights to help tighten my arms and abs then did some stretches and sit ups then went onto ski running machine then the leg weight machine. I must find the actual names for these. When I went to have a shower, the women who came out scared Kiara so I thought quick get dried and dressed a weirdo has scared my daughter. LOL!
After that I went to pop and see how my brother has been at school (he'd been okay)
then after dropping my prescription off at Asda Chemist, Me, Tian & Kiara pop to my mums to get a tenner she owed me. Then we went Shopping for some food bits at asda collected my prescription, realised what time it was and quickly headed home as I had an appointment for Family Nurse. she end up turning up late anyway, Me & Tian quickly tidyed up a bit.
When Rachael arrived we disgust about Kiara being a madam and wanting to do what babies do now shes reached the age of wanting to explore and attack everything. I filled a few sheets out, we get Kiara weighed 7.18kg / 15lb 13oz
Didn't do much after that I prepared the veg for dinner while Sam & Jordan got practising a few songs then Sam took over and cook what I can only explain as an AMAZING cottage pie. YummY! (With chicken mince)

Driving

Today I haven't really done much, pop to asda. Nothing major until Tian & Jpsh turned up. Me and them we driving. Josh being the one who can drive and has past his test a couple of years ago. He was teaching me and Tian. Tian went first (shed had a lesson before) she did pretty well I'd trust being in the car with her. The u had ago took about 6 stalls until I got it lol 2nd gear doesn't like me, I even reversed and round a corner. I think I was drive for about 30-45 minutes. Can't wait to do it again. Kiara is now playing up crawling and moving a lot, Sam's trying to dump het on me as usual....

BBQ

Yesterday me and kiara end up going to the forest with my mum, brothers, auntie, uncle and cousins. Lovely day one minute the sun was there then the clouds hid it. Lovely food made by bbq's that didn't want to work until the end when we put my quaterpounders on because of the fats from it. Yummy!

Not well

Feeling sleepy again, kiara has been to me and her fell asleep on the sofa together, I got pins and needles in my hand and arm which was annoying now we are sitting on the sofa watching comdey central while kiara bounces across my leg to get her dummy off Sam

Crazy polish lady

Next door just hand picked flowers out her garden and put them nicely together with a tie which looks like a bandage knocked on my door, and insited I took them.... Crazy lady

Skip....

I was up at 6:45 had to get ready get Kiara ready and then head to asda to ATM to pick moneys put for the skip. Now waiting for it to arrive, they said it would arrive around 10.30 latest incase of traffic and I'm still waiting now (11.30).

4minutes later it arrives and its tiny lol.

Fennal seeds

Today woke up went doctors, very nice doctor first time I met him he was very good at keeping Kiara entertained. He's put me on anti biotics, and told me to by fennal seeds and if I eat/drink them it should help Kiara's wind and stomach pains. Lovely to cure her I have to take the stuff, she gets it through the breastmilk obviously.
Me & Tian went into town again it was to get a brolly an I end up doing shopping for mum too, had me brother tagging along to. End up buying new trainers and flipflops and a little something to wear hoping it would spice up the love life a little, which it did a little (he got What he wanted I could of been given some more) lovely for the men to finsh them selves and for the women to be left wanting more but not getting it, even after him saying if I straightern his hair he will give more. Kiara distracted that as well waking up,as usual. Leaving me to get her to sleep and him going to sleep so by the time she's asleep he is to. Well thanky you. Pfft!!

Poorly me & poorly Kiara

Me and my baby haven't been feeling to well this week well she's not been feeling to well for a few weeks really. So doctors at 11:10 to see what we can do, if they tell me it's a damn virual infection I won't be happy. I want something done so u can get back to doing things.

iPhone holds all

Yay! Just got an app on my iPhone for blogspot, ps my best friend is Tian and I love to bugg her

Another night, the same as any other

Seriously why do we bother sometimes it's like trying to get a dead pig to come alive, it just ain't going to happen. If you ever notice one if your friends get grotchy and moody, they either ain't getting any, ain't getting enough, or it's shit... Or all of the when they do get it finally it's crap and barely last long enough.
Now mat people know me I'm one for want it and talking about it all the time. And I tend to go on about it the most when there's not enough and I want some. Or I get t the annying point of trying to fix other peoples/ or their lovelfe, (which can get irriating for them), because maybe I feel they deserve better then what I'm getting.
You know it's hard to be in a relationship when they are occupied with other stuff and when they talk to others, text others, or msn chat to others more then the person they should be seriously concerntrating on, cause to be honest if you dont put the effort in then it'll end up going no where or ending.

Downer....

Do you ever get the feeling that your not worth looking at anymore....
I do.
Not a nice feeling, not when I try and try for someone and just feel like it was a waste of my time and effort. Just makes me bored of my own life and want to find something else, something thats going to keep me smiling and add that extra spice.
Do you ever find yourself fantasizing with someone else? someone perhaps you shouldn't be?
Do I.
Its all these little things that make me feel so down because maybe, just maybe, what I have I no longer want.
And to add on to the downer, your ill, over eating/under eating, but still moaning you need to lose weight.
I have a gym membership now, its just trying to find the time to go and the baby sitter to look after madam.
She's not well either. So I'm looking after myself and her, Then getting the other half moaning because she's not quiet enough. Its like FFS as if I haven't got enough with her moaning, a headache and compleately tired, that I have to listen to you moaning too.
And he wonders why I'm always in a  mood.

Is sam secretly a big boobie? ;)

Depends what you mean by a big boobies

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if your life, when have you been the happiest? most content?

when I heard kiara cry when she came out, plus i was high

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dog or cat?

Cat

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whats your fav drink?

Jager bomb

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quite night in with a few friends or party hard till you pass out!!

tricky, i wouldnt wanna pass out, but i enjoy quiet night in wi movies and friends and tickelingh them

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boys or girls??? (friendship)

Boys but the odd girl

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most embarressing thing you have EVER done??

had my vigina on show to everyone one whilst giving birth lol well attemptinng to

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if you could change anything in your life what would it bee?

I wouldn't of brought that chicken yesterday, and me sam and Kiara wouldnt be throwing up with food poisoning.

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what do you like to do when your bored?

Watch a movie, bug Sam, bug people on msn&fb, bug sam for something. :P

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kisses or cuddles?

Depends who from, but i think cuddles

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guess who i am

I dunno Who are you?

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boobs or bum?

Boobs obviously, anyone who askes me that must be weird, but I have a great Ass

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are you happy?

Right now that question can not be answered, due to my huge mind fuck :(. I Keep thinking I am but things keep going over in my head that make me unhappy

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is life what you planned as a child??

As my childhood I never planned it and all my plans seem to fail minus having kiara I just take everything as it comes

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who's your best friend? lol :p

I have a few BREAST Friends, Tian, Sam, Jake & Kat being the mains.

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Do you have any regrets?

Never regret anything, just would of liked to maybe change them

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You had a baby and you're still a hot chick! What's your secret??

Sex, no erm..... wait it might be.... No I don't know to be honest,

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what do you miss most about being a child?

I don't miss it, I was a mother then.

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Whats the story in Balamory

Great THanks Got THe Song In My Head

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Wrong Decision ......

So me & Sam have decided to give it another go, we both explained what we both want to change and to see how it goes until the 21st, two days later I've got the sentence 'Do you still want this' going through my head. So I'm thinking to my self Do i actually still want this, now because I'm an honest person when it comes to relationships, I told Sam what was going through my head, he said "who has put that in your head" or was it "whose been saying stuff". Well it was no one so I said that. So the last few days I've been trying to think if I want this or not, and Its like I might want it a bit, for Kiara and him, but things don't seem to feel right anymore, which upsets me inside to know that I don't want something like this. But I'm scared if I end this will my daughter lose her father and will I lose a Friend, Because Sam means a lot to me. there is love there its just like he said its the 'In Love' that's not there, as much as I want it to be. I have this horrible gut feelign of hurting him, that I really don't want to do, but I know I need to be happy. I seem to be picking argument with him to, which I think is a sign of me not wanting this. So now all I've got to do Is tell him.....
.... But how......

So Confused...

Well.... over a week ago Me & Sam broke up, it was a Mutual agreement, We've both be drifting apart for a while now, I want love and attention, to be able to hug and kiss someone with out having to ask them ans get told no. So over this week it has been so confusing. we done it a few times but he said he's not 'in love' with me anymore but loves me, But I think he loves me only because I'm the mother of his child, but I don't want that to be the reason he loves me.
There is so much I want from a relationship, but I don't seem to have it anymore.
so now it seems its me not wanting this anymore, my mind is all over the place so I went to my best friend Tian for advice and she gave me my own advice that I had given her a while ago. Lol. It was to write a list of the Pros & Cons of being with Sam.
and there's more Cons, the was what three Pros and like nearly ten Cons. Now I'm confused what to do even though when I was talking to my best friend it just sound like I didn't want this any more. Then this morning Sam comes onto our bed (he's not sleeping in the same bedroom as me). and then Kiara woke up so I put her in between us and that was like a moment. mummy daddy and baby, made me Feel like I wanted it but Only for Kiara I liked the Feeling but, now it doesn't feel so right. So I'm going to have to tell him at some point because now I don't feel Like I'm 'in love' with him.

I feel I'm only wanting this relationship for Kiara. I don't smile at him the way I used to. I don't have that loving feeling. I think I'm just scared of being alone.

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LOVE SURROUNDS YOU! You just cannot see it all the time.

I wanna feel it not see it

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any fun dreams recently?

I have funny dreams al the time, Its from not getting the full time sleep I need. You was in my last one

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A Break....

I'm having a break for a bit, I just want him to realize that I need to be loved and need him to show me that he cares

ARGH! He's more interested in her. F**king Grrrr. I'm sick of it. I was only sitting next to him and he turns to me and says "what?" I'm like huh? then he says why do I always want attention of him, and Kiara's only ever wanting attention off him.
For F*** Sake, I'm your Fiancee and shes your daughter, I don't ask anything of him ever. I just want to be loved, is that really to much to ask for.
So I tuned round to him and said well you only seem to want to give Danielle your attention. (his 'Synth player' from his band, thats going no where) i feel its an excuse. he went straight after work to go see her, to have a 'coffee' to 'talk about band stuff'. I wish his Band was going somewhere, but he seems to be focusing on it more then me and our daughter, he was the one who suggested having a family, I always wanted one but was fine with waiting longer.I don't regret having Kiara, I love her to bits, but he's not putting much effort into it. I gie him his space and at night all i as is half an hour of us time at least, but No, I'm either to close to his face or annoying him. thats his words.
What can I do......

My New Look/ Back To Old Look

I've been missing my black hair so much, Sam wanted it Red so I kept it red, then last week I was looking at old photo's and I was like I miss that me, old bubbley bouncey me and my black hair, I don't see why he wanted it red and didn't want it black he met me with black hair. I first cut my fringe, and messed it up. Ha teach me right for not using correct scissors. now I look younge, that was not the aim, hehe.

Do you ever get the feeling.

Do you ever get the feeling that they don't love you anymore, or they are not interested in you, they talk to someone else more than they talk to you and you live with them. Theres just silence in the room. I'm always asking how he is just to see if I can get some kind of conversation out of him, but all i get it 'Mmm' and shoulders shrugged. If i want a kiss off him he says no or makes an excuse like its too hot or your too close to my face. So I keep asking myself, does he love me? is he interested?
It's just making me depressed I put on a smile and get on with life, but once I'm in the bed room and Kiara is asleep I'm crying, I've even come to the point of watching chick flicks, something that makes me cry watching people with happiness or losing someone, because all I really want is for the Sam I fell in love with to come back, or if he's not interested for him to tell me, I don't want to sit in this world with no love, its the only thing that keeps me truly happy. I keep finding myself wanting to talk to others maybe someone will love me. but I don't get anything of anyone. The only love i seem to have is me and my daughter, yet it doesn't seem enough.

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FRINGE

ArGH! don't you just hate it when you get your fringe cut, you get it cut longer then you want it and it still manages to got shot then you wanted it when you let go. I'm going to dye my hair black tomorrow, even though most people said I should stay red. I miss my black hair. or I might just re do my red. God knows. I want my fringe to grow, WHY did i cut my hair. ARGH! I was just looking at old photos and missing what i looked like then.