Someone isn't well :(

so I was up most the night with Kiara, she ad her MMR jab yesterday and weather its that, that has made her ill or if it has just triggered off something she was getting. So I've not been at college today, been to the doctors with madam, then doing a bit of cleaning in the house.

I've had two people knock on the door today asking if this house is rented or up for rent. then a business card with a note on the back asking a similar thing, that ones asking about if the house was up for rent was an Iranian family, first of all i hear people walking past then someone pokes there head through the letter box while someone is knocking on, then before i even got out of my chair they try the handle to come in the house, the cheek of some people, I got to the door they ask about if the house was up for rent and i was like know, but why did you try to come if ts fucking rude and they just scurried off, fucking Iranians.

So Kiara is in bed but still making a fuss, hopefully I can go to college tomorrow depending on how she is tonight.

Is it me of have lately people being seeing who there true friends are, my point was proven when I went out that night, also to who has the common decency to keep in contact. I've been sick of running around going to see/contact others if there not putting there effort in, its like some people moan about wanting to be "family" moan about other bits but since when have they even been to my house or to come see Kiara. its rude.

OMG... I'm Fat

Soo.... I end up going out on my own dragging an old frend once i got into town to pubs, meetingup with my bessi who got plastered, went to Rock City drank lots of shots which made me sick wondered off into the darkness to mcdees waited at tram stop, puked cause some women started peeling an orange got on tram got home sleep.

I've been feeling shit all week, I've noticed who my friends are.... Just Tian (and her bf) Everyone else is family.
I'm not attractive anymore, I went shopping on thursday in 3hours i couldnt find anything i liked or that fitted, then went to New Look where i found out my true FAT size 16. So now I've even more depressed than I was.
I cant wait until Sam gets his own place cause I'm sick of having him here, I pay for everything, £20 a fortnight isnt enough thats not even half the gas an electric that he uses, never mind the food.
today I get back to seeing his band gear on the sofa an he's fucked off out, is it too much to bastardly ask to put it in the conservatory out of harms way of our child, in fact I think I'll go back to saying My child. easpically when he knows he isnt gonig to be in all evening.
So I've chucked it all into the conservatory, locked the door and kept the key in.
Cause I'm sorry god knows who he's sleeping with and i don't wanna know if he has, cause fuck knows what he does with his day, he need to get independent and fuck off and look after himself, I'm sick of always thinking of others cause it never helps me.

Out tonight... looks like I'm on my own though....

So I'm off out tonight, but It seems I cant get any of my "Friends" to come. It's like I barely have anyfriends anymore. I've either lost them through being a mother or past relationship. Its like no one gives a shit anymore. None of this helps with my depression I feel I'm losing everything, and the feeling behind everything. I don't know who I am any more. I miss the old me, but I'm never going to get that back. I can't see myself being with anyone anymore either. I just see this Lovely Mother doing everything and anything for her daughter, giggling any having fun with her. But once she's in bed all I see is a lonely depressed women sitting on the sofa with nothing.

Seriously, apart from my Gorgeous Daughter, Whats the point in Life.....

It's just the way things are.....

My latest Facebook status:

Needs to love and feel comfortable with herself, before I'll love and be comfortable with anyone else.

 That is generally how I am feeling at the moment, I dont seem to feel comfortable with myself and my body, I've tried to do something about it, I eat healthy and it doesn't seem to make any difference. So I retire into this bubble of depression, only I don't show it much unless I'm at home. 

I feel unloved, lonely, overweight and more. I miss the old me, the thin one who could do anything and everything when she wanted, the attractive me. I dont see any part of me that is attractive, I hide behind this mask of being humours. When someone trys to make me smile it only last 5 seconds until I retire into my bubble. 

I see all these thin good looking girls and I'm jealous, for some reason I find it hard to find other men attractive to, its like I've lost my everything, I don't have many friends outside of college. I miss going out having fun. being that big flirty girl that loved herself.

 Now that I'm single I find it hard, but I also don't want anyone at the moment, unless there that fairy tale person who can make me happy, makes me feel attractive. someone rich :P now I'm pushing my luck.

 Kiara has grown up so quick, 1 years old now walking and talking. she's not herself at the moment seems to be upset quite a bit, I don't know if its because me and sam are no longer together, He did move out for a around2 weeks to his mums but then they were being arse holes and now his mum is in london. so I've got him back here. its since he's moved back kiara seems to be upset and clingy towards him. the week he wasn't here she was ill and cuddly me and her spent most the time on the sofa sleeping.

 I just want to be happy and loved and to move on but I just can not see it happening......